Who's Been Shaggin' in My Bed?

By Mommanerd

 

 

 

Hello again gentle reader. It's me, Andrew.  Alas, my work in videography can not continue since Buffy, as always, remained true to her word and broke my beloved camera.  But fear not, for the pen is mightier than the sword and thereby I continue my documentation of the life of Buffy, the Slayer of Vampyres.

 

The house has settled into a calm order since I, Andrew of Sunnydale (and brother of Tucker), sealed the Seal of Danzathar with my own tears. The valiant Potentials are training in the yonder meadow whilst the vampyre rests in his underground chamber.

 

Oh! Speaking of his chamber, I heard a really really interesting conversation a couple of days ago. It was during this conversation that Buffy broke my prized possession.  Since then I've been attuned to some seriously strong vibes between some of the residents of this house.  Let me share with you what I've discovered.

 

We had returned to the house after leaving the school.  Mr. Wood stayed behind to clean up the mess because he is the Principal after all. I think he had to call the janitors or something.  I had just turned off my camera while Buffy related what had happened to Willow when I heard it.  Spike was in the basement shouting.

 

"BLUHHHHDDDYY HELLLLL...!"

 

For a smallish man he has a very powerful roar.

 

Buffy rushed to the basement door and threw it open in a strong, yet graceful way. I picked up my camera and followed her down the narrow staircase into the murk below.  We found Spike standing over his bed with his hands on his hips and his coat flung out behind him.

 

Did I ever mention that I also had such a coat?

 

Buffy hurried over to him.  I'm not positive, but I think her hand brushed against his for the briefest of seconds.

 

"Spike! What is it?"

 

He turned to her with his nostrils flared and his chest heaving.  I turned the camera on.  He was magnificent.

 

"The whelp has his own bloody flat. Why is he shaggin' all over my bunk?"

 

"Huh?"

 

Buffy is so cute when she's confused. Sometimes she babbles and talks really fast. I like to imagine her getting all twittery and Spike grabbing her up and kissing her passionately into sweet submission. Her hands would clutch desperately to his leather coat and his fingers would trail through her long and silky hair.

 

Oh. Where was I? That's right, my camera. I followed Spike with it as he threw his hands in the air and strode around the basement. He was ranting about having no privacy and being treated like the family pet whilst Xander and Anya bumped uglies in his bed.  He said he could smell them everywhere and didn't fancy having to wash his linens every time he left the house for more than an hour.

 

Buffy crossed her arms and looked at him sternly. "So you have a problem with Xander sleeping with Anya?" she asked him.  I knew there was trouble brewing. Nothing good ever happens when Buffy does her arm crossed thing. Apparently I wasn't the only one who was having a flashback to a certain time in a certain magic shop on top of a certain table. I zoomed in to catch their expressions.

 

Spike leaned down and yelled right into her face. "Yeah I have a problem with everyone getting it on around here while I'm doing all the work!"

 

"You're doing all the work? YOU?"

 

Buffy's eyes were really wide and I wanted to scream "Spike, no! Stop!" but I didn't want to ruin the footage.

 

"Bloody RIGHT, I have!"  He stomped over to his bed and began throwing blankets and sheets onto the ground. "Killin' a demon the size of my car with my bare hands and dragging the carcass all the way across town to get you back and what do I get for it?"

 

"I don't stake you?" 

 

I think she was kidding, but I'm not completely sure.  All I know is that all the fight went out of Spike.  He dropped everything into a heap on the floor and his shoulders sagged.

 

"Maybe you should."  He told her. "Be better for everyone."

 

I zoomed on in Buffy's face.  Her lower lip was trembling. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears. Her arms uncrossed.  "No Spike.  I didn't mean... I shouldn't have said that."  Her voice was soft and whispery.  She reached over and touched him. She touched his cheek. (Buffy touched his cheek!). "You know I need you." (She said she needed him!).

 

He looked deeply into her eyes.  It was going to happen - I just knew it!  He was going to grab her up and tell her he loved her and then kiss her until they sank onto the soft billows of discarded flannel as she moaned his name.

 

I couldn't suppress my squeal of excitement!

 

"Andrew?!"  Buffy's voice was strident.

 

Uh oh.  "Hi Buffy."  I waved with my left hand, since I was holding the camera to my face with the right.  The operative word there is "was".

 

Buffy grabbed my camera in a swift, catlike motion.  She flung it to the ground and stomped on it with her stylish yet affordable boot.

 

"No..."

 

Crunch.

 

"More..."

 

Crunch.

 

"Videos..."

 

Crunch.

 

Crunch crunch crunch.

 

It was gone.  Forever.  Buffy had her arms crossed again. Spike was glowering at me.  I was a dead man.  He's bitten me before. I know how those fangs can rip a man to pieces.  I readied myself for a swift death.  I was going to take it like a man.

 

"Andrew, get out of here."  Buffy told me.

 

"What?"

 

"Just go. Now."

 

"You're not going to let him kill me?"

 

"Spike's not going to kill anybody."  She gave me the look right in my eye.  You know the look.  "But I might if you don't leave right now."

 

"Thank you Buffy!" I told her, and then ran up the stairs as quickly as my Reeboks would take me. 

 

I'm a lucky man to have lived through the experience to bring you this tale.  I hear someone coming, so I'm going to put my journal in its special hiding place and pretend that I was atoning for something (Buffy's all into atonement). I'll do my best to find out what happened after I was banished to the upper levels of Casa Summers.  I want my work to be complete so that many future generations can learn from the experiences of Buffy, the Slayer of Vampyres.

 

Besides, I really want to know if she's doing it with Spike.  I mean, he's really hot after all.

 

And she is too.

 

 

 

Love,

 

Andrew

 

 

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