Journal of an Apocalyptic Virgin
May 18, 2003 - 10:00 pm
I don't know what will
happen this week. I only know these may be my last few days on earth. Forever. Buffy's situation seems hopeless, with an enemy
using warriors who are larger and stronger than we can ever hope to be. Still,
we fight on the side of all that is good and just and pure in this world. If I
die, I die for the greater good of all. I will accept my fate like a man.
But first, I need to get
laid.
Anya told me so after we
gathered the supplies from the hospital and she rammed my leg with her
wheelchair, causing a bruise. I held back the tears that threatened to well up
in my eyes because they have power. The last time I cried I closed the Seal of
the Hellmouth. This was probably an omen. I explained it to Anya. She said...
"Andrew, you really
need to get laid."
Who am I to argue?
I spent the day scanning
the household for my potential lover. There doesn't seem to be a shortage and
love is in the air. Anya and Xander have satisfied expressions and keep making
asides about ice cream. Hmm. Could ice cream serve as
an aphrodisiac? I'd better write that down.
1. Eat Ice Cream.
Also, of late, Buffy has been spending her nights in the gloom of
the basement with Spike. Since vampyres are by necessity nocturnal, I can
assume they are not sleeping. When Spike came up for his snack time mug of
blood, he was holding a large pendant, surely a token of Buffy's affection.
2. Offer large jewelry.
3. Pierce non-essential body parts.
Now, all I need is a target. The house is full of Potentials with
mucho potential. How hard can this be?
*****
May 18, 2003 - 11:00 pm
Finding a lover is hard work. I don't like it. Rejection hurts and
I think this is why I've remained a virgin past my twentieth year. Still, the
fate of the world hinges on my ability to rid myself of this cursed celibacy. I
will renew my efforts. Thirty-two down, there are at least four to go. Maybe even five. I wonder how Giles feels about younger men.
*****
May 18, 2003 - 11:15 pm
Giles is violently opposed to younger men. Who knew that the Brits
had such a lexicon of off-color language? Spike says 'bloody' a lot, and
'wanker' and 'bugger' and 'sodding'. Well, let me tell you, that's just the tip
of the iceberg.
I think I will avoid Giles for the foreseeable future. That
shouldn't be too long at this point.
*****
May 18, 2003 - 11:45 pm
I have a new plan. Earlier tonight whilst eating peanut butter and
jelly sandwiches,
I smiled along with the others, and then very slyly managed to
inquire if he'd like some ice cream. He said, "Yeah, that would be nice,
Andrew."
Those were his exact words.
Tomorrow, I make my move.
*****
May 19, 2003 - 10:00 am
This morning Dawn pierced my ear.
I asked her to do it and told her it was for luck. She had no
idea.
It was an ordeal that I barely survived. We first used ice cubes
to numb my flesh, and then she found a huge needle somewhere. It was monstrous.
I couldn't look. She told me to calm down and said that girls do this every
day.
I've been through worse, you know. I've been tied up and slapped
and bitten by a psychotic vampyre. I think being slapped was the worst part.
So I gritted my teeth and let Dawn drive the shard of metal into
my body.
When it was over, they woke me with cold compresses and iced tea.
*****
May 19, 2003 - 5:00 pm
So far, my plan has failed.
Just as I was about to make my big move this afternoon, Buffy
outlined her plan. She wants to enter the Hellmouth tomorrow. She's planning to
share her power with all the Potentials so that they will now be Actuals, I guess. Somehow it doesn't seem to have the same
savoir-faire.
"Buffy, go rally the Actuals!"
It doesn't quite work for me, but whatever.
So we spent the day discussing the ins and outs of the plan. Every
time I approached Xander and brought up the idea of dying in the bowels of The
First's Pit of Evil, he started talking about losing his eye and blah blah and sacrifices for the greater good.
I wanted to yell, "But this is about the greater good. I have
to have sex, don't you see?" But that just took me back to the whole
losing the eye thing.
Finally I suggested a game of Dungeons and Dragons. If that doesn't
put him in the mood, nothing will.
*****
May 20, 2003 - 12:45 am
The apocalypse is anon, and I, alas, am still a virgin.
We played the game; oh yes, we played. It seems that Giles has
forgiven me for grabbing his nether regions the other day, and he agreed to
join the game.
He may still be mad, however, because he did nothing but complain.
I'd offer him ice cream, but then he might try to kill me.
Anya fell asleep during the game. I was shocked. How can anyone
sleep through Dungeons and Dragons? Still, I knew that this was my chance. In
the game I was a powerful wizard and I stole the Bracelet of Impending Doom
from Amanda, and then worked it so that Xander would think he had tricked me
into losing it to him.
Jewelry, see?
He took it from me and that was the last signal I needed. He was
mine.
I lifted my arms and yawned and told everyone that I was going to
bed. He told me "goodnight" and I knew that he meant that he wanted
me to have a good night. I almost
squealed, but I turned it into a hiccup, because I wanted him to know that I
was cool with it.
I went into the living room and sat on the couch, then realized
the folly of my plan. The room was full of not-yet Actives. I'd been sleeping
on the couch for weeks and never really noticed that before. I had to figure
out what to do. I moved stealthily through the house, looking for a spot ripe
for trysting. There was the basement! I turned the knob and made it down one
step when I heard the low rumble of the vampyre and the satisfied sighs of his
Slayer.
How could I have forgotten? I paused to mourn the loss of my
camcorder, and then silently closed the door. No need to bring on the wrath of
Buffy. She scares me.
Next, I tried the upper level of the house, but all those rooms
were occupied as well with warriors saying their final goodbyes to their
lovers.
Aha! There was the bathroom!
I went to the stairs and yelled, "If anybody is looking for
me, I'll be in the bathroom! The big one, right off the
hallway. It's nice and roomy and that's where I'll be!"
I went inside and waited.
I had almost fallen asleep when I heard a knock on the door. I
smoothed down my hair and checked my breath. All systems were go. I tried not to look too eager as I threw open the door.
It was Dawn.
"Andrew, what have you been doing in here for so long? This
house is full of girls who need to go, you know."
Drat, another flaw in my plan.
"Um, Dawn, you could use the bathroom off the big
bedroom."
"And disturb Faith and Principal Wood? I don't need that kind
of trauma."
She peeked around me, looking for clues. I steeled my expression
to show her nothing.
"Are you trying to hook up with someone in here? You've got
that little smirk on your face that you get when you watch
Oh, how could she know? She was a precious and brilliant girl. I
pulled her inside and quickly let her know about my plan.
"Xander? That's just... You know
he's with Anya, right?"
I told her it was a farce, to cover what we really had.
"I really don't think that doing it is going to help save the
world," she told me.
Oh, the innocence of the girl, who was really a key, but really a
girl. I explained about what Anya had said and about the seal closing and how
this was all part of the plan that was bigger than all of us.
Then she asked me the question that turned my world upside down.
"Don't you want to spend your last night with someone you
love?"
She was right. The lovely,
exasperating, long tressed nymph had stumbled onto what I hadn't seen. I didn't
love Xander and he didn't love me. It would have been lust, and therefore not a
worthy offering. I also realized that I really had nobody. There was no one in
this house who loved me. My best friend was dead at my hand and I was truly
alone. Alone in a house bursting with young, exuberant life.
Alone as I'd never been before.
Dawn saw my distress and took my hand.
"Hey, we're having popcorn and doing hair and nails
downstairs. Nobody can really sleep, except Anya, and she's weird. You wanna
join us?"
Oh, yes, I did want to join them. I was being welcomed into a
secret society of young womanhood that few men were ever invited to enjoy. We
grabbed some brushes and hairspray and lots of scrunchies and went downstairs.
It was a wonderful night.
And now, dear journal, the tale of my quest comes to an end and I
am off to sleep. I will most certainly face my destruction in the coming day.
But it will be fine. I fight for the safety of mankind and for these precious About-To-Bes. I
think they're kind of worth it.
Life is good.
~End~